Watching my cat’s health fail and anticipating her death years ago was a difficult experience. She had been the one we saw first at the shelter and lived the longest.
Anticipatory grief, the grief that comes before a pet dies, can be challenging. It comes complete with the same progression as the grief following the death of a human – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance*. Over the years, many clients who commissioned a fabric pet portrait or pet memorial from me have shared their fears and concerns. Both my personal and professional experience with death and dying allow me to empathize with others who are walking this path, even though I am not a certified pet grief counselor. There are many aspects of pet grief that I will be sharing here over the upcoming months.
Anticipatory pet grief: real yet surreal
Anticipatory pet grief is real, whether accompanying a slow decline in your pet’s health or following the devastating news of an impending death. There’s this surreal feeling when you hear that your beloved pet has a terminal illness and/or they have only X number of months/weeks left to live. Right behind the immediate thought that there must be some mistake is a numbness that overtakes your heart. But this can’t be true, you repeat over and over. A flood of questions pours forth:
How much longer will we have together?
Is he/she in pain? How much pain (even with any medication) is too much?
Should I have seen this sooner?
Is there anything I should do before s/he dies?
It’s not uncommon for a whole host of feelings to emerge as you feel powerless to stop what feels inevitable.
Duffy
Experiencing This Grief
While there are many advances in medical science, the ability to predict the precise number of remaining days of a pet is not an exact science. Some animals live much longer than what the veterinarian said; others die sooner than expected. That unknown is one of the things that makes anticipatory pet grief so challenging. You have no knowledge of or control over the timeline of your pet’s remaining days. Not knowing when the end will come can be anxiety producing and make it difficult to schedule activities for yourself and/or plan things with your pet. Do I book a spot at the kennel for her/him when I go on vacation? Or will they be too sick and I won’t want to go/leave them there? What happens if they die when I’m gone and I can’t say goodbye?
Bueller in his happy place, the dunes of Cape Cod
The feelings of guilt or regret often accompany anticipatory pet grief. You may feel guilty for not noticing signs of illness or that decline in the health of your furry companion sooner. Maybe you’re feeling that you didn’t do enough to prevent that illness or keep him/her healthier. Then, the I wish I had done more XYZ activities when s/he was healthier thoughts often emerge.
For some folks, feelings of depression emerge as they feel powerless. A gap of uncertainty widens as you begin to realize how intricately your life is intertwined with your pets. Thoughts of What will I do without him/her to go on a walk with or Who will love me as unconditionally as s/he did, can begin to take over and sap the joy of life right out of you.
The important thing is to be aware of the process, your feelings, and be a bit prepared.
Some Ways to Prepare
Here is a quick summary of things that help ease one through the anticipatory grief process.
- Make memories
- Identify/create a support system
- Care for yourself physically and emotionally
- Future planning
1. Make Memories: There are so many ways to build memories. Just simply spending time with your beloved animal creates new things to laugh about and share with others. That cuddle time or belly scratches helps you focus on the present, on the love you feel for your companion. Those daily routines of a walk or giving a treat after supper can help during the transitioning time. Scrolling through your photos and talking to friends can bring forth those wonderful events and scenes from the past.
Close-up of Iris’ memorial
You can create paw print or nose prints, assuming your dog or cat is willing to partner with your artistic endeavors. Take extra photos or videos. Make a scrapbook or memory box. Commission a pet portrait. The underlying principle here is to do things that help you make a stronger connection during those remaining months, weeks, or days. Do what offers comfort to you.
2. Identify/create a support system: Seek out those people who understand the role your pet has had in your life. Talk with them about the news and ask them to check in with you in the upcoming weeks/months. Share what you think might help you, if you know. Maybe it’s their stories of your pet’s special antics or that way s/he always greeted them when they came over to your place. These are the people who will not tell you how you should be feeling, but rather listen to you.
Just knowing that you are not alone in this process and having that safe space to share your feelings and memories can help tremendously.
There also are a number of online support groups and forums for pet owners experiencing anticipatory grief, which can provide additional resources and support. Choose thoughtfully. This is not the time for you to take on others’ grief.
Cassie’s memorial pillow with one of her sweaters
3. Care for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually: It’s not going to be easy. Plowing forth stoically in denial usually takes a toll on you. It’s easy to answer “I’m fine” when you really aren’t. It’s okay to say things like: “this is hard for me” or “I’m doing so-so” or “just taking one day at a time”. Do things that support your physical health (walking, meditating, exercise, etc.) and allow yourself to identify/name those emotions you are feeling. Remember to eat and sleep as well as you can.
Be gentle with yourself. It’s easy to go down the I-should-have route of replaying every health- related decision you made or feeling guilty because you didn’t spend more time with him/her.
4. Future/pre-planning: Figure out those basic tough things ahead of time.
-
- How much can you afford to pay for medical care?
- When does your pet’s care switch to hospice care/palliative, keeping the pain at a minimum?
- At what point would you say it’s time to let him/her go?
- What does that look like?
- Do you want a burial or cremation?
- Do you want a memorial?
While these decisions can be extremely hard to make as you are watching your pet’s health decline, it is harder sometimes to make those after the actual death.
Tucker’s memorial
Remember this is a process, not a stagnant, etched-in-stone concept. It’s normal to feel one way one day and another the next. It’s normal to have those emotions shift throughout the day. It’s a process – that means there’s a fluidity to it.
And a cautionary note… there are some folks (family, friends, strangers) who will feel compelled to tell you what to do (Get another dog right away), how you should feel (Don’t be sad. She will be out of her pain soon) and even minimize your feelings (It’s just a cat or Why are you so upset when he hasn’t even died yet?). These are the folks NOT to add to #2 above.
The road ahead, however long it is, will not be easy as you say goodbye to your pet. Yet the areas listed above are some tools to help you on this difficult journey.
* These are the five stages of grief as identified by Dr. Elizabeth Keebler-Ross in On Death and Dying.