Supporting someone whose pet has died is an amazing gift you can offer them. To be comforted with consoling words or gestures makes it a bit more bearable in that moment and throughout the grieving process.

Imagine you receive an early morning call or text that goes somewhat like this:

Friend (sobbing):  Kasey died last night (sniffle). I woke up and there she was. On the floor. Stretched out in an awkward pose (sobs). It looked painful. Like she had tried to jump up onto the bed and didn’t make it. She must have missed and toppled downward. (More sobs).  The way her legs were…  it looked like she had been grasping to right herself up on her paws and kept failing.  If only I had woken up. It’s my fault.  (loud inhale). She’s dead because of me.  I could have saved her. What am I going to do without her?  What will I do with her things? Kasey’s dead. What will I do?

It’s likely your first instinct is to reassure your friend with anything you don’t think/know is not true. “It wasn’t your fault.”  “Kasey was old (arthritic, had a heart issue, or some sort of physical illness)”  “I’m sure she didn’t suffer.”  

If you are quick thinking you blurt out facts -“that awkward pose is likely rigor mortis that’s set in” or “her things can be donated to the shelter or some made into memorials.”   Something, anything so as not to hear such raw emotion pouring forth from your friend.  

However, those types of statements usually are speculative or logical in nature and your friend is not in a logical mode at this point in time. They are feeling. They are responding emotionally to this unexpected event.

So what can you do that will be supportive?

Acknowledge the Death

Just saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” goes so far in helping someone. It shows that you recognize the significance of this death in your friend’s life and the depth of that relationship.

Losing a pet can be as heartbreaking as the death of a close friend or family member. Pets are companions and can be a source of unconditional love. Their passing often leaves a huge void in one’s life, especially in those initial months.

Listen

It is time to acknowledge their loss and to listen. It is time to reflect their feelings, both spoken and unspoken ones. It is time to offer comfort, not facts. That means it’s not time to insert our thoughts, feelings, or especially, solutions.

And yes, it’s likely that your friend would not have been able to “save” their pet but this is not the moment to express that. Just listen to the myriad of their jumbled thoughts.

You can acknowledge what might be their unspoken feelings:

– It is really difficult wrap your head and heart around what happened.
– There’s just so many emotions and that’s okay.
– It’s normal that you’re feeling angry, (if that’s what you’re hearing/seeing)
– Even though you knew (name) didn’t have much longer, it still doesn’t feel fair when it actually happens.

Share Memories

Listen to their stories, even the ones you heard before. Ask about their favorite holiday memory. Find out what was the silliest thing their pet ever did. Recalling special memories contributes to the healing process.

Do you recall when Niles hid in your sister’s car and they drove for half an hour before he woke up and emerged from under the blanket in the back seat.? She said she never screamed so loudly while Niles just meowed for some food all the way back.

Ask if they are comfortable in sharing some pictures of their pet on their phone, camera, or computer. Scrolling back through the months and years can bring forth those loving, funny, silly moments of the pet’s life.

Ask Directly

How can I support you?
What do you need?
What can I do for you?

When one loses a pet, oftentimes the daily routines of the human change significantly. People might forget to prepare meals or go shopping. They may forget appointments. Simple daily tasks or decisions might seem difficult or impossible to do.

It may be that the person is also having difficulty telling you what they need. Would it be helpful if we went grocery shopping together? Place the task front and center, indicating your willingness to help.

These questions are important as you are asking the individual what they need and will help them at that point. It leaves them in control of the process.

Just Do

Similar to human loss, there are a number of concrete things that can be done.

• Share a meal or several.
• Bring flowers, a sympathy card or one that brings a chuckle.
• Together brainstorm different ideas of honoring the pet’s memory
• Offer to help with the process. It could be:
  • • a fabric portrait
    • a photo collage of favorite photos
    • a photo album
    • planting a tree
• Donate food, toys, or money to a pet charity of the person’s choice
• Pack up the toys, collars and other items. This way your friend can look and make decisions at a later time. Obviously this would only be done with their permission.
• Continue to check in with them.

A Gentle Reminder

Their grieving process isn’t yours. Everyone navigates the path of loss differently.

What helped you to heal the pain of your pet’s death might not be the best for your friend. If asked, you can share “this is what worked for me. It may or may not strike a chord with you.” Again, if they voice any resistance (I can’t do that because…) it’s not the time to try to outlogic them as to why it would work.

Information and discussions about options can be helpful when the person is ready to hear those aspects of the grief process.

You can offer a listening ear, the normalization of their experience, and be a memory-keeper. Those are precious gifts.

Watching my cat’s health fail and anticipating her death years ago was a difficult experience. She had been the one we saw first at the shelter and lived the longest.

Anticipatory grief, the grief that comes before a pet dies, can be challenging. It comes complete with the same progression as the grief following the death of a human – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance*. Over the years, many clients who commissioned a fabric pet portrait or pet memorial from me have shared their fears and concerns. Both my personal and professional experience with death and dying allow me to empathize with others who are walking this path, even though I am not a certified pet grief counselor. There are many aspects of pet grief that I will be sharing here over the upcoming months.

Anticipatory pet grief: real yet surreal

Anticipatory pet grief is real, whether accompanying a slow decline in your pet’s health or following the devastating news of an impending death. There’s this surreal feeling when you hear that your beloved pet has a terminal illness and/or they have only X number of months/weeks left to live. Right behind the immediate thought that there must be some mistake is a numbness that overtakes your heart. But this can’t be true, you repeat over and over. A flood of questions pours forth:

How much longer will we have together?
Is he/she in pain? How much pain (even with any medication) is too much?
Should I have seen this sooner?
Is there anything I should do before s/he dies?

It’s not uncommon for a whole host of feelings to emerge as you feel powerless to stop what feels inevitable.

Duffy

Experiencing This Grief

While there are many advances in medical science, the ability to predict the precise number of remaining days of a pet is not an exact science. Some animals live much longer than what the veterinarian said; others die sooner than expected. That unknown is one of the things that makes anticipatory pet grief so challenging. You have no knowledge of or control over the timeline of your pet’s remaining days. Not knowing when the end will come can be anxiety producing and make it difficult to schedule activities for yourself and/or plan things with your pet. Do I book a spot at the kennel for her/him when I go on vacation? Or will they be too sick and I won’t want to go/leave them there? What happens if they die when I’m gone and I can’t say goodbye?

Bueller in his happy place, the dunes of Cape Cod

The feelings of guilt or regret often accompany anticipatory pet grief. You may feel guilty for not noticing signs of illness or that decline in the health of your furry companion sooner. Maybe you’re feeling that you didn’t do enough to prevent that illness or keep him/her healthier. Then, the I wish I had done more XYZ activities when s/he was healthier thoughts often emerge.

For some folks, feelings of depression emerge as they feel powerless. A gap of uncertainty widens as you begin to realize how intricately your life is intertwined with your pets. Thoughts of What will I do without him/her to go on a walk with or Who will love me as unconditionally as s/he did, can begin to take over and sap the joy of life right out of you.

The important thing is to be aware of the process, your feelings, and be a bit prepared.

Some Ways to Prepare

Here is a quick summary of things that help ease one through the anticipatory grief process.

1. Make memories
2. Identify/create a support system
3. Care for yourself physically and emotionally
4. Future planning

1. Make Memories: There are so many ways to build memories. Just simply spending time with your beloved animal creates new things to laugh about and share with others. That cuddle time or belly scratches helps you focus on the present, on the love you feel for your companion. Those daily routines of a walk or giving a treat after supper can help during the transitioning time. Scrolling through your photos and talking to friends can bring forth those wonderful events and scenes from the past.

Close-up of Iris’ memorial

You can create paw print or nose prints, assuming your dog or cat is willing to partner with your artistic endeavors. Take extra photos or videos. Make a scrapbook or memory box. Commission a pet portrait. The underlying principle here is to do things that help you make a stronger connection during those remaining months, weeks, or days. Do what offers comfort to you.

2. Identify/create a support system: Seek out those people who understand the role your pet has had in your life. Talk with them about the news and ask them to check in with you in the upcoming weeks/months. Share what you think might help you, if you know. Maybe it’s their stories of your pet’s special antics or that way s/he always greeted them when they came over to your place. These are the people who will not tell you how you should be feeling, but rather listen to you.
Just knowing that you are not alone in this process and having that safe space to share your feelings and memories can help tremendously.
There also are a number of online support groups and forums for pet owners experiencing anticipatory grief, which can provide additional resources and support. Choose thoughtfully. This is not the time for you to take on others’ grief.

Cassie’s memorial pillow with one of her sweaters

3. Care for yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually: It’s not going to be easy. Plowing forth stoically in denial usually takes a toll on you. It’s easy to answer “I’m fine” when you really aren’t. It’s okay to say things like: “this is hard for me” or “I’m doing so-so” or “just taking one day at a time”. Do things that support your physical health (walking, meditating, exercise, etc.) and allow yourself to identify/name those emotions you are feeling. Remember to eat and sleep as well as you can.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s easy to go down the I-should-have route of replaying every health- related decision you made or feeling guilty because you didn’t spend more time with him/her.

4. Future/pre-planning: Figure out those basic tough things ahead of time.

• • How much can you afford to pay for medical care?
  • When does your pet’s care switch to hospice care/palliative, keeping the pain at a minimum?
  • At what point would you say it’s time to let him/her go?
  • What does that look like?
  • Do you want a burial or cremation?
  • Do you want a memorial?

While these decisions can be extremely hard to make as you are watching your pet’s health decline, it is harder sometimes to make those after the actual death.

Tucker’s memorial

Remember this is a process, not a stagnant, etched-in-stone concept. It’s normal to feel one way one day and another the next. It’s normal to have those emotions shift throughout the day. It’s a process – that means there’s a fluidity to it.

And a cautionary note… there are some folks (family, friends, strangers) who will feel compelled to tell you what to do (Get another dog right away), how you should feel (Don’t be sad. She will be out of her pain soon) and even minimize your feelings (It’s just a cat or Why are you so upset when he hasn’t even died yet?). These are the folks NOT to add to #2 above.

The road ahead, however long it is, will not be easy as you say goodbye to your pet. Yet the areas listed above are some tools to help you on this difficult journey.

* These are the five stages of grief as identified by Dr. Elizabeth Keebler-Ross in On Death and Dying.

When each of us first brings a pet into our home, thinking ahead to the day when they’ll no longer be around is far from our minds. It’s hard to go down that path when your pet is vigorously begging for a treat or nuzzling your neck. After all, they are so full of life.

Over the months and years, a collection of memories accumulates and oft-told stories are woven into the lives of pet owners. And sadly, the eventual good-bye day arrives, sometimes planned and sometimes in an unexpected manner.

“I cannot recall if I sent you an email and photo to let you know how much my parents LOVE the Duffy pillow. My mom said it makes her feel like she can still give him a snuggle when she wants to ❤ Thank you again”  -Judy

There is such an overwhelming sense of loss, of floundering, of just disbelief. For even when one knows it was “for the best,” the void that exists is difficult. Hopefully you have been able to find ways of walking through those initial mixed and swirling emotions of grief.

One important thing to remember is to allow yourself time to process your loss. Know that there isn’t a specific timeline for getting through grief; each of us goes at our own pace. Supportive family members and/or friends can help, yet the process is ours to travel.

This is Iris. She loved her red blanket.

Some Ways to Memorialize a Pet

Each of us holds the memories of our pets in a different way. For some, the image of their departed animal remains etched in their mind/ heart and that is enough. Others use a specific way to process their grief and/or keep a memory alive.

Some common ones are:

• • • A burial or memorial ceremony
    • Portrait (painted, quilted, sculpted)
    • A bit of their fur/feather placed in special object (jewelry, stuffed/ felted animal)
    • Photographs (albums, collages) – maybe enlarged and hung in the pet’s favorite spot
    • A memory box/ special object to hold mementos (collar, sweater, favorite toy, tags)
    • Quilt or blanket made in their image, perhaps from favorite blankets
    • Planting a tree or perennial flowers
    • The written word – a poem, a story or two, a  letter to departed pet (#petgriefletters is one  IG account that I follow)
    • Donation to animal organization in their memory – monetary or goods (food, blankets, toys)
    • Jewelry
    • Nose prints, paw prints – DIY or by an artist

You will find the way that speaks to you when you are at the point of celebrating their life and creating a special place for your memories.