Supporting someone whose pet has died is an amazing gift you can offer them. To be comforted with consoling words or gestures makes it a bit more bearable in that moment and throughout the grieving process.
Imagine you receive an early morning call or text that goes somewhat like this:
Friend (sobbing): Kasey died last night (sniffle). I woke up and there she was. On the floor. Stretched out in an awkward pose (sobs). It looked painful. Like she had tried to jump up onto the bed and didn’t make it. She must have missed and toppled downward. (More sobs). The way her legs were… it looked like she had been grasping to right herself up on her paws and kept failing. If only I had woken up. It’s my fault. (loud inhale). She’s dead because of me. I could have saved her. What am I going to do without her? What will I do with her things? Kasey’s dead. What will I do?
It’s likely your first instinct is to reassure your friend with anything you don’t think/know is not true. “It wasn’t your fault.” “Kasey was old (arthritic, had a heart issue, or some sort of physical illness)” “I’m sure she didn’t suffer.”
If you are quick thinking you blurt out facts -“that awkward pose is likely rigor mortis that’s set in” or “her things can be donated to the shelter or some made into memorials.” Something, anything so as not to hear such raw emotion pouring forth from your friend.
However, those types of statements usually are speculative or logical in nature and your friend is not in a logical mode at this point in time. They are feeling. They are responding emotionally to this unexpected event.
So what can you do that will be supportive?
Acknowledge the Death
Just saying “I’m so sorry for your loss” goes so far in helping someone. It shows that you recognize the significance of this death in your friend’s life and the depth of that relationship.
Losing a pet can be as heartbreaking as the death of a close friend or family member. Pets are companions and can be a source of unconditional love. Their passing often leaves a huge void in one’s life, especially in those initial months.
Listen
It is time to acknowledge their loss and to listen. It is time to reflect their feelings, both spoken and unspoken ones. It is time to offer comfort, not facts. That means it’s not time to insert our thoughts, feelings, or especially, solutions.
And yes, it’s likely that your friend would not have been able to “save” their pet but this is not the moment to express that. Just listen to the myriad of their jumbled thoughts.
You can acknowledge what might be their unspoken feelings:
– It is really difficult wrap your head and heart around what happened.
– There’s just so many emotions and that’s okay.
– It’s normal that you’re feeling angry, (if that’s what you’re hearing/seeing)
– Even though you knew (name) didn’t have much longer, it still doesn’t feel fair when it actually happens.
Share Memories
Listen to their stories, even the ones you heard before. Ask about their favorite holiday memory. Find out what was the silliest thing their pet ever did. Recalling special memories contributes to the healing process.
Do you recall when Niles hid in your sister’s car and they drove for half an hour before he woke up and emerged from under the blanket in the back seat.? She said she never screamed so loudly while Niles just meowed for some food all the way back.
Ask if they are comfortable in sharing some pictures of their pet on their phone, camera, or computer. Scrolling back through the months and years can bring forth those loving, funny, silly moments of the pet’s life.
Ask Directly
How can I support you?
What do you need?
What can I do for you?
When one loses a pet, oftentimes the daily routines of the human change significantly. People might forget to prepare meals or go shopping. They may forget appointments. Simple daily tasks or decisions might seem difficult or impossible to do.
It may be that the person is also having difficulty telling you what they need. Would it be helpful if we went grocery shopping together? Place the task front and center, indicating your willingness to help.
These questions are important as you are asking the individual what they need and will help them at that point. It leaves them in control of the process.
Just Do
Similar to human loss, there are a number of concrete things that can be done.
- Share a meal or several.
- Bring flowers, a sympathy card or one that brings a chuckle.
- Together brainstorm different ideas of honoring the pet’s memory
- Offer to help with the process. It could be:
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- a fabric portrait
- a photo collage of favorite photos
- a photo album
- planting a tree
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- Donate food, toys, or money to a pet charity of the person’s choice
- Pack up the toys, collars and other items. This way your friend can look and make decisions at a later time. Obviously this would only be done with their permission.
- Continue to check in with them.
A Gentle Reminder
Their grieving process isn’t yours. Everyone navigates the path of loss differently.
What helped you to heal the pain of your pet’s death might not be the best for your friend. If asked, you can share “this is what worked for me. It may or may not strike a chord with you.” Again, if they voice any resistance (I can’t do that because…) it’s not the time to try to outlogic them as to why it would work.
Information and discussions about options can be helpful when the person is ready to hear those aspects of the grief process.
You can offer a listening ear, the normalization of their experience, and be a memory-keeper. Those are precious gifts.